HAHA Funny
Funny LiStS
TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management
course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog
1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.
2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.
3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you
4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.
5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.
6. Kermit is your idol.
7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.
8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times
9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium.
10. France is the evil empire to you
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay
good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?
Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to
call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
And the number one Biblical saying of mothers is:
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that
wood, if your father asked you to!
Top 10 Ways to Tell that You're a New Dad
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the
spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if
I could interest her in...babysitting?"
And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse
10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear
handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to
them.
You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car
at home!
You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
* You wake up face down on the pavement
* You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
* Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there
aren't any
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have
a waterbed
* Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's
Angels on the freeway
* You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
* You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
* Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the
toilet?"
* You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your
legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
* You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the
van this week
Things Not To Say to Police Officers:
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how
far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You
probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?"
Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College...
* Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?
* Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
* I'm converting!
* I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? hello, anyone there?
* I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.
* Who are you again?
* Mom, you too can be saved.
* I need more money for my gambling ring.
* Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
* Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two
papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way
to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart.. I can't bre-
* From now on, you'll call me Mohammed.
* I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
* Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?
* Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...
* This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids
and - um, forget what I just said.
* And I joined the Republican party!
* I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)
* Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
* When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night…
* But everybody looks funny naked!
* You woke me up for that?
* Did I mention the video camera?
* Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
* Can you please pass me the remote control?
* Do you accept Visa?
* ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
* On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
* Do you get any premium movie channels?
* Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
* But I just brushed my teeth...
* Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
* Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
* Did I remember to take my pill?
* But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
* Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
* You're almost as good as my ex!
* Now I know why he/she dumped you...
* What are you planning to make for breakfast?
* I have a confession...
* You can cook, too right?
* Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
* Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Things Not To Say On Your First Date...
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon
before it expired.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering
machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given
someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as
smart as I am.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not
promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can
use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to
see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
This will keep you feeling like you can keep those "nasty" New Year's resolution. Have a
great day!
Daddy's Ten Rules of Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car
in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
27 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a
flaming skull is art?
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is
in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I
have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first
is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead
of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and
bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words
strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does
not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and
more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a
party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man
wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first
floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of
lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b)
got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished
he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE
WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose
your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to
have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women
have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you
gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and
drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant
replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.
Rejection Lines
Female Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You give me the creeps.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I may as well be dating my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: I don't want to be seen in
public
with a dork like you.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I'm busy seeing other guys. Who
are you again?
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I'd rather be with my male cat and a half gallon
of
Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the
same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: I've sworn off men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and go out with. I appreciate
the male perspective.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're totally ugly.
Life is Funny
1. Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up
fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody
Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed
alive.
18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the
highway?
19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss
America?
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Life in Tennessee
Tennessee
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee, plus a couple no
one's seen before.
4. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
5. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
6. Onced and Twiced are words.
7. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. Fixinto is one word.
10. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
12. Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work
until you're done or it's too dark to see.
<><><><><><><><>
You know you're from Tennessee if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter
what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6
pages for local gossip and sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Tennesseean is from east, west, middle Tennessee as soon
as they open their mouth.
16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to
"Wally World." 17.) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.
17. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of
brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"
18. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee.
19 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90'S and Beyond
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go
get a Coke?"; and he replies: "Yeah, give me five mins"
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't
spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not online.
7. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business
like manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "0" to get an
outside line.
11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.
13. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
16. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers".
18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
19. You tie a knot in your t-shirt by your hip. . .wait. . .that's the 80's.
TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management
course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog
1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.
2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.
3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you
4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.
5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.
6. Kermit is your idol.
7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.
8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times
9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium.
10. France is the evil empire to you
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay
good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?
Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to
call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
And the number one Biblical saying of mothers is:
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that
wood, if your father asked you to!
Top 10 Ways to Tell that You're a New Dad
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the
spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if
I could interest her in...babysitting?"
And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse
10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)
9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.
7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
5. Interesting aromas.
4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear
handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to
them.
You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car
at home!
You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
* You wake up face down on the pavement
* You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
* Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there
aren't any
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have
a waterbed
* Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's
Angels on the freeway
* You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
* You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
* Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the
toilet?"
* You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your
legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
* You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the
van this week
Things Not To Say to Police Officers:
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how
far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You
probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?"
Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College...
* Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?
* Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
* I'm converting!
* I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? hello, anyone there?
* I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.
* Who are you again?
* Mom, you too can be saved.
* I need more money for my gambling ring.
* Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
* Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two
papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way
to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart.. I can't bre-
* From now on, you'll call me Mohammed.
* I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
* Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?
* Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...
* This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids
and - um, forget what I just said.
* And I joined the Republican party!
* I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)
* Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
* When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night…
* But everybody looks funny naked!
* You woke me up for that?
* Did I mention the video camera?
* Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
* Can you please pass me the remote control?
* Do you accept Visa?
* ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
* On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
* Do you get any premium movie channels?
* Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
* But I just brushed my teeth...
* Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
* Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
* Did I remember to take my pill?
* But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
* Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
* You're almost as good as my ex!
* Now I know why he/she dumped you...
* What are you planning to make for breakfast?
* I have a confession...
* You can cook, too right?
* Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
* Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Things Not To Say On Your First Date...
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon
before it expired.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering
machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given
someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as
smart as I am.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not
promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can
use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to
see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
This will keep you feeling like you can keep those "nasty" New Year's resolution. Have a
great day!
Daddy's Ten Rules of Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car
in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
27 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a
flaming skull is art?
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is
in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I
have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first
is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead
of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and
bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words
strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does
not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and
more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a
party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man
wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first
floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of
lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b)
got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished
he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE
WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose
your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to
have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women
have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you
gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and
drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant
replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.
Rejection Lines
Female Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You give me the creeps.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I may as well be dating my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: I don't want to be seen in
public
with a dork like you.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I'm busy seeing other guys. Who
are you again?
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I'd rather be with my male cat and a half gallon
of
Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the
same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: I've sworn off men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and go out with. I appreciate
the male perspective.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm saved, so my heart belongs to Jesus. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're totally ugly.
Life is Funny
1. Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up
fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody
Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed
alive.
18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the
highway?
19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss
America?
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Life in Tennessee
Tennessee
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee, plus a couple no
one's seen before.
4. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
5. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
6. Onced and Twiced are words.
7. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. Fixinto is one word.
10. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
12. Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work
until you're done or it's too dark to see.
<><><><><><><><>
You know you're from Tennessee if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter
what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6
pages for local gossip and sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Tennesseean is from east, west, middle Tennessee as soon
as they open their mouth.
16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to
"Wally World." 17.) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.
17. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of
brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"
18. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee.
19 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90'S and Beyond
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go
get a Coke?"; and he replies: "Yeah, give me five mins"
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't
spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not online.
7. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business
like manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "0" to get an
outside line.
11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.
13. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.
16. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
17. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers".
18. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
19. You tie a knot in your t-shirt by your hip. . .wait. . .that's the 80's.