HAHAHA Funny 
How To
Get Out Of A Speeding
Ticket
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
How To Speak Chinese
In 5 Min.
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7) I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
8) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
9) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
11) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu
How To Freak People Out In The Bathroom
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,May I borrow a highlighter
Say, Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, Dang, this water's cold.
Drop a marble and say, Oh no! My glass eye!
Say, Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, Now how did that get there?
Say, Hum. Reminds me of hum.
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!
Say, Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.
Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops,
could you kick that back over here please?
Say, C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.
Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the
fettucine Alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
Say, Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am gonna do?
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
How To Speak Chinese
In 5 Min.
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7) I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
8) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
9) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
11) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu
How To Freak People Out In The Bathroom
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,May I borrow a highlighter
Say, Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, Dang, this water's cold.
Drop a marble and say, Oh no! My glass eye!
Say, Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, Now how did that get there?
Say, Hum. Reminds me of hum.
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!
Say, Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.
Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops,
could you kick that back over here please?
Say, C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.
Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the
fettucine Alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
Say, Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am gonna do?
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free