HAHAHA FUNNY
 U R LOOKING AT FUNNY PAGE 3

FUNNY HEADLINES


     FUNNY HEADLINES



Two-Headed Headlines

One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remardks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers."  For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines.  The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.

Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline.  The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.

They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention.  On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.

No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

                              GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
                               MAKES HOLE IN ONE

                     DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

                    DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

                             ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

                         DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

                         COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
                                  GROWING UGLY

                       POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
                                   JAYWALKERS

                           FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
                           EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

                                HOUSE PASSES GAS
                                TAX ONTO SENATE

                       POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

                        TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

                           STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
                           TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

                       MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES

                      MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

                         IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT

                           TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
                                   JURY HUNG

                   U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT




                              CHINESE APEMAN DATED

                      MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

                            TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

                      WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY

                         ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

                         NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.

                                U'S FOOD SERVICE
                                FEEDS THOUSANDS,
                                GROSSES MILLIONS

                      COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES

                      MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

                    HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

                    SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
                                SHOULD BE BELTED

                         SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR

                     S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
                                   BY NEW LAW

                         10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED

                   QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

                     DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

                        COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

                          JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

                     MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

                    SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

                           CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT

                          CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

                        CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

                         THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

                        ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY

                      NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

                            TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
                             WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

                           FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

                    KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT




                     GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

                             IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

                             SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
                        4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB

                              HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

                      MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

                           NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:

                        QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

                    IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

                         HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
                                TO GOOSE HUNTERS

                              CONNIE TIED, NUDE
                             POLICEMAN TESTIFIES

                           WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
                              MORE BROAD-BASED

                 ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE

                                STUD TIRES OUT

                           PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

                         CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
                                FOR PROSTITUTION

                       SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT

                           MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
                                 AT NEARBY SCHOOL

                       JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX
 
                         GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
                              FINE FOR SEX ACTS

                               PANDA MATING FAILS
                            VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

                    KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH

                   NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

                           PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
                                 FOR VOLUNTEERS

                    N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.

                     CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN





                         IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
                                 SERVICE WIDOWS

                       COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
                                 WITH HIS PEERS

                           DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
                             WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

                  PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

                        MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS

                    SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

                     LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

                       CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

                         STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
                                FOR PETS, OWNERS

                     ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

                    BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

                         LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

                             CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

                              EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

                           TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

                             REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
                              BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

                      SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

                   DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
  
                         SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
  
                   MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT

                         AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA

                      LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

                    LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR

                    HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81

                   SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66






                     MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
                                  AS PET FISH

                     ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

                       ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
                                  DURING TRIAL

                     LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

                           PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
                                CRASH PROBE TOLD

                       MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

                   JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT

                      FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

                         STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

                    FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

                      HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

                      SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
                              PUNISHMENT, LAWYER

                     TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

                     2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
                           IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

                  KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
                                IN 10 YEARS

                       COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
                           KILLED IN NEW JERSEY

Occasionelly, a deformed headlinne takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:

                      NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
                             FROM LOVED ONE

                    CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

                   NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

                      DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

                            AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
                           LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

                        20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

                          WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

                       IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
                              IT MAY LAST A WHILE









                      SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
                              CUTS EFFICIENCY

                     COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

                           HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
                               REQUIRE SOME STUDY
                                 FOR GRADUATION

                    CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

                          BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
                       FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

                                SCENT FOUL PLAY
                               IN DEATH OF MAN
                             FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

                              MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

                             ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
                            POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

                       SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
                                  EXPERT SAYS

                            DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
                             FEELINGS OF ISOLATION




 ADS WITH TYPOS



 
                ADS WITH TYPOS





Funny Adverts

     The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school.  Sometimes it seems
that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
and meaning.

     On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurang appeared this
advertising atrocity:

                            NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
                                   AFFORDABLE
                        An Alternative to Looking Good.

     After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct
what happened lin the framing of this cacphonous come-on.  Apparently, the
good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable
prices afforded an alternative for looking good.  But what came out was the
message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it
out.  And we'll charge you very little to do it!"

     As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoon and comic strips:

     *  Lost:  small apricot poodle.  reward. Neutered.  Like one of the
        family.

     *  A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine foods expertly served by    
        waitresses in apetizing forms.

     *  Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

     *  For sale:  antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large    
        drawers.

     *  For sale:  a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie  
        chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

     *  Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

     *  Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair 
        to take home, too!

     *  Wanted:   50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

     *  Wanted:  Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

     *  We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by    
        hand.

     *  No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
        it really repellent

     *  For Sale.  Three canaries of undetermined sex.

     *  For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.

     *  Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
        fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

     *  7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
        with golden fried onion rings.

     *  Great Dames for sale.

     *  Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

     *  Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

     *  20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges,
        the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

     *  Dog for sale:  eats anything and is fond of children.

     *  Vacation Special:  Have your house exterminated.

     *  If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
        Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain
        and Chopin.

     *  Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
        Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

     *  The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
        other athletic facilities.

     *  Get rid of aunts:  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

     *  Toaster:  A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
        Automatically burns toast.

     *  Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots
        of women wear nothing else.

     *  Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never reget it.

     *  We build bodies that last a lifetime.

     *  Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

     *  This is the model home for your future.  It was panned by Better Homes
        & Gardens.

     *  For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.

     *  For Rent:  6 room hated apartment.

     *  Man, honest.  Will take anything.

     *  Wanted:  chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200.00 a month.
        References required.

     *  Wanted:  Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

     *  Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

     *  Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

     *  Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

     *  Modular Sofas.  Only $299.00.  For rest or fore play.

     *  Wanted:  Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

     *  Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

     *  3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

     *  Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals and
        snacks included.

     *  Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

     *  Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
        never go anywhere again.

     *  See ladies blouses.  50% off!

     *  Holcross pulletts.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204

     *  Wanted.  Preparer of food.  Must be dependable like the food business,
        and be willing to get hands dirty.

     *  Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

     *  Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
        Blue Cross and salary.

     *  Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume    
        general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to
        growth of family.

     *  Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
        efficient beating

     *  Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

     *  Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

     *  And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,     
        unrivaled inconvenience.

     *  We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
        for $1.00

                       And these beauties from the radio:


     *  Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous
        figure.

     *  Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
        designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

     *  When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
        bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

     *  Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with  
        the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.


            A SAD STORY

                    


    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
    sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
    elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
    75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and
    Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
    concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25
    flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
    tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill
    stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor
    Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will
    tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in
    the car!"